Alzheimer's Caregiver Guilt

You are NOT alone.

Hey folks, 

We have talked about Alzheimer's in the past. Did a whole series on it as a matter of fact. I also introduced you to Vera. Vera was a 90 year old, sharp as a tack, quick witted, beautiful Woman. I met her while doing a stint in the Nursing Home Industry. I would sit with her for HOURS, talking, laughing, just sharing each other's company. I, mostly listening. She would tell me stories of the past, talk about her family, and would always ask how things were with me. She is the whole reason that I am now married to Laura with two great Sons.

As time when on, we noticed Vera slipping away. She started to fade in and out. One minute she was there engaged in the conversation, the next, she was changing subjects abruptly, repeating things she just said, ETC. As time went on, Vera was more out than in, if you will. She would think that I was her Son, Laura her Daughter, however, for some reason, she ALWAYS knew Joshua was Josh. She would start talking about things we had no clue about, but when she looked back at Josh, she would call him by name and even ask how he was doing. Then, she was gone.

It truly was a difficult time. I had left long before this, but continued to go there to see Vera. She was part of my family. I was truly sad to watch her drift off into nothing. This had such a profound effect on me, that I starting learning about Alzheimer's, and how it truly is a thief of the mind.

So here I am, checking Emails, and I get this. A copy of the Dear Abby Column. Why? I have no idea. I do not know the person that sent it to me. No explanation. No comment. Just, well, this...

DEAR ABBY: My mother's Alzheimer's became apparent after she was in a car accident. I should have noticed the signs earlier, but I didn't. Her body recovered, her mind did not.

I built a new house with a separate suite for her. My wife and I tried to care for her for a year, but I'm disabled and Mom was afraid of my wife. There was never a moment's peace. Fearing for our collective health, I finally placed Mom into an assisted living facility. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

My children criticized me but offered no alternatives. I visited her as often as possible. Because I could no longer drive, I sent someone with gifts and treats for her.

Mom died in 2007 after 10 years in the facility. The last few years she didn't know me from a doorknob. Her disease left my wife and me drained emotionally and financially. I still feel guilty for not doing more. The look of fear on her face haunts me still. Is this normal for someone in my circumstances? -- ONLY CHILD IN FLORIDA

DEAR ONLY CHILD: Yes, it's very common. I'm sorry for your mother's passing and the difficult years you and your family experienced because of her illness.

Given the progressive nature of Alzheimer's, it can be extremely taxing and affect the physical, mental and financial health not only of the person with the disease, but also his or her caregivers. When caregivers attempt to shoulder these responsibilities alone, they put their own health at risk. Moving your mother into a residential facility was a way to ensure she got the care she needed and take care of yourself at the same time.

Alzheimer's disease is often referred to as a "marathon, not a sprint." That's why it's important for caregivers to get help -- whether it's a residential facility, professional in-home help or family and friends. If they don't, the results can be disastrous.

It's common for caregivers to feel guilty and wish they could have done more, but it's important that you let these feelings go. You did everything you could to ensure your mother received the best care possible. If you need to talk to someone about your feelings, call the Alzheimer's Association toll-free 24/7 helpline at 800-272-3900, or visit alz.org online to find a local chapter or support group. 

Folks, I worked in the Nursing Home Industry for 3 years. I spent time getting to know those that spent time there. I made great friends. I became family with some, like Vera. I also saw the care that the rest of the staff gave. For the most part, it was great care. Everyone there, DID care. From the Nurses to the CNAs, to the visiting Docs. The people were very well cared for.

I understand, and actually agree, that the plan is, and always was, you take care of your kids, they take care of you. If you get old and unable to care for yourself, your kids should be there for you. HOWEVER!!! Here is the thing. If this is not possible, hear me, not POSSIBLE, than you really do need to consider an alternative. 

When I say not possible, I mean NOT possible. Not inconvenient. Not because you would rather run around the house naked and can't be bothered with having Mom there. I mean truly not possible. No money for the care giving. Physical limitations. Even mental limitations. There really are times you just CAN'T help.

If you are dealing with someone with this devastating disease, just know, you are not alone. Please, check out and get in touch, with someone like the Alzheimer's Association. They truly can help you. Seek out and find a good Healthcare Facility in your area that have people that not only care, but are trained to do what is best for your loved one. That is why they are there. You do not have to feel guilty about seeking help. And you do not have to go it alone.

Peter

Also check out..

Caregiver Village.